Why I would not leave?

What happened to me?

I too keep asking myself why or how did I come to this phase in my life. This thing called quarter life crisis has changed a lot of me, my perspective of thinking, making life decisions and staying happy.

When I was still studying college, I dreamed of having a job who will give me financial stability and fulfil my desires, my siblings’ and my parents’.  And after graduation, the eagerness to land my dream job continues. I remember applying as a Landscape artist/ gardener abroad and needed to be in a job interview a day after and did not show up.

I was occupied after I graduate, this particular time started a new career for me; making research papers. Also, I side-lined as a secretary/helper to my aunt’s business, doing some innovations to their services being rendered. After a month or two, I got a new job where I thought would be very easy. Me as an Enumerator visiting households was I think a disaster. With my shy personality, I found it very hard to talk to people asking for their personal information. It’s only a three month contract and I have been one of the worst employee. I did not reach the target number of households and submitted the forms late. While I was still working as an enumerator, I was employed as a job order employee at our municipality’s Agriculture Office and my dad was a co-worker. Yes, I know what you think about the “backing-up” system in the LGU. I shrugged it off. My one year and five months was fruitful, I have managed to meet and help people, made new friends and acquaintances along the way but not for long.

When you’re in the LGU, there’s this time where job order employees are laid-off; a week at the start of the year or the second semester JOs are not permitted to work. In those times I thought I was useless and a burden to my parents. I’m good at rejecting offers.

I tried applying as an instructor in a university and was accepted but I eventually refused the offer, I still like my present job.

Why did I leave? You can never erase politics or to what other people might say behind you regarding your relationship with a co-worker. I was the daughter of an employee, a relative and it’s easy for us to land a job in the LGU as what everybody might think. When things did not go well during the renewal of contracts, I was decided to find another job. And after assuring that I will be hired, I resigned my first real job even though my contract will expire after four months. My boss asked if I could stay a little bit longer but I declined. I thought about the first time I refused the offer of being an instructor.

The new job was good and fits my course, and I did not have anyone who would back me up to get the position and I was proud of it. The offer did not go as planned, the salary was reduced and the workload has piled up. But this did not stop me to do my best. I was into the job, I was doing it well and I was aspiring for it and to return me a favor. I failed twice and the second time was the worst. I was into deep realization and is certain to leave, this time I waited to end my contract and bid my second boss goodbye.

Third job, what can I say? One year and three months and I have changed a lot.

I complain a lot, about how hard is work, about my co-employees, about the system, almost everything. I am loud at it, I’m too emotional, and I’m a hypocrite. But what did these things did to me?

It made me stronger. At first, my goal was to be a permanent employee but along the way I realized that whatever may be my position in this government, whether a contractual or a regular the thing is you have to be serving your people with all your heart and might.

This may sound absurd but the contentment you get while doing the job is unexplainable. On September 24, 2017 will be my fifth year working as a government employee.

Friends told me I am a martyr, still striving even though I’m tired, still thinking even though I’m at rest, talking nonsense but still continued what I do.

My mom always say that I should seek another job with good pay and fast regularization. Still I refuse. I refused a lot of offers and I’m that proud. Why? I love doing this job, I enjoy doing this job. I do not think of what would they say and I’m still doing it.

What happened to me?

I found my role in life. Giving everything and waiting for nothing in return. Loving and not waiting to be loved back. I found my passion, I’m living my dream.

I work as a gov’t employee by daytime, accepting research papers as a side line, writing poetry, essays and blogging about my journeys and experiences at night, doing artworks if I have some spare time, helping my mom with her school works.

When I think of these things, I think of how strong I have been throughout the years. Of how passion molded me to be this person I thought I would not be.

At this time I’m not anymore into when I will be permanent in this job? What should I be achieving? What I loose along the journey. I may not found peace with this line of work but found satisfaction.

Why I would not leave? I know you already knew why.

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