I’m Tired and I’m Getting Useless

This is not new. I’m a self-acclaimed lazy person. You can ask my Mama how lazy I am whether doing house chores and back when I was still studying. But I have to explain for myself 😀

House Chores. I’m not that stubborn not to do chores. I was introduced at doing back when I was staying at my grandparents’ house. They taught me how to cook, wash my own clothes, do the dishes, clean the house, assist during the Sunday market, and do some gardening. At an early age, I was molded to be productive. I can cook all year round and wash the dishes but please never let me do the laundry(except when my sister is not around).

Studying. I’m still never good at it. This is true. Not to boast anything but somehow if it was realized, I would have finished my schooling a year earlier. I attended a year at Kindergarten and was supposed to be accelerated to Grade 2 but my Mama, I think was not prepared so she enrolled me to first grade instead. I transferred to another school after finishing Grade 1. Mama said my teachers back in elementary up to college complained about me not being studious enough and how my intelligence is wasted through time. And there’s a story behind everything and I will tell you mine.

I think I was never born competitive enough. My Lola keeps on pushing me to join programs and competitions to add up points to my Co-curricular Activities whereas 30% of the total grade is being credited when choosing honor students at the end of every school year.  She’d support me every program every month for the last five years of my elementary where I am always an achiever. I used my graduation certificate in entering high school (honor students were exempted to take the entrance examination). My Mama was teary eyed after she attended the PTA meeting, she told me I had a grade of 78 at Values Education and it was the first time I had a grade starting at 7 (lowest grade at elementary I think was 85, I was in a star class so high grades must be maintained).  I felt sorry for Mama and the 78 was replaced with 89 at the 2nd grading and so on.  The competitiveness that my Lola inculcated was brought up until high school and degraded through time. I remember back in college when one of my classmates shift another course because of me and learned that he was being too competitive. He didn’t like that I was doing fine whilst being relax because he was trying so hard to beat me. I didn’t want and had no intention to contest with anyone back then.

Why I did not struggle to be on top? This is frank and on point. Studying is not enough during elementary and high school, you ought to have CCAs, a lot of CCAs and most importantly, you need to please everybody. This is not new and I know a lot would be angry. Giving something is equivalent to adding up to a thing. Simple gifts, gestures and smiles might bring you a step higher and sometimes when you slammed something big, there’s always a payback. I remember having a grade of 70 in a subject (first three grading periods at the line of nine) back in high school and approached my teacher. She told me I lacked oral recitation (we have to recite several verses from a book and luckily I am not good at memorizing and did not declaim at all). My grade was based on one simple recital and that caused losing a slot in the honor roll. I was at the twelfth. There was a backstory to this and I don’t want to recall anymore.

That’s when I started to loosen up in studying. I recalled myself saying “I did not study a thing, all is based on SK (stock knowledge) and to tell you it was true. My exams in college except my entrance exam were not that good and so are my grades. I told you I was bad at memorizing, it gets worse when the test is fill in the blanks and enumeration but managed to keep up at essays which I brag about hahaha. On taking up two removal exams, one of my professors said, “Miss, you do not have to get a perfect score”; another one said “you should answer correctly at least sixty percent of the items”. She later told me that I got exactly 60% of the test. I took the exam to pass and I graduated in time.

Everything is not based on intelligence alone. But as always, not all is included in the list. I am a teacher’s pet but it did not contribute anything to my grades.

I lose interest once I failed. Failure has to do something. It’s inevitable. You tried your very best and give your all and still it’s not enough. I lose my study habit and now I am losing my interest in work.

I was very ecstatic when I was still finding a job. There was no “dream job” and all I wanted back then is to be a regular/ permanent employee. Qualifications for job openings were being undertaken one by one to be eligible, labor is being performed beyond accountabilities if permitted, work hours exceeding the allowable time being paid, in short I was too dedicated. There was thinking that this will bring out something good. Three jobs in the government and still. There’s this time that I want to stop because I’m doing absolutely nothing at all but there’s so much to do. I wanted to quit, I want to stop. I’m not happy, no I’m emotionally drained. At times I see myself as a useless piece of whatever and being too emotional, overthinking things.

I’m getting tired of being tired. And this tiredness has something to do with my personality, with what this life is doing and have done to me, with the decisions I make and will make in the future, with the people around me. I’m tired of proving that I should be someone I’m not. I’m not that good, I’m not that smart, I’m not funny, and I’m timid. But I’m persistent, I took breaks (sometimes long ones) but the thing is I don’t stop even if I wanted to. There’s this drive to continue. I know there’s a purpose and I’m looking forward in living it.

Coincidence works wonders, while writing this I heard an audio saying “Nobody likes to try hard; sometimes you have to be natural”.

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